A note to me, from me.
So I ask myself…do I really wish things were different?
Do I?
Because the moment I start to question myself and the choices that led me here, I then take a second to actually reflect, to turn my thoughts inward and truly sit on it. Once I do just that I realize the moment I’m in right now is a concrete reflection of all of my decisions. The butterfly effect if you will. And I pride myself in the decisions I make because I put great thought into everything I do.
So why do I feel that rush of regret? Why do I start to wish things were any other way but how they turned out? Honestly, I don’t know. I think the answer lies in how our brains are wired to think and operate and trying to wrap my head around that is way above my pay grade.
But anyway, here I am sitting on this one thought and really digesting it to further understand my stance. Do I really want to be surrounded by unmatched energy or stuck in a circumstance causing me to feel trapped? The answer is no. So why am I expecting that to be my reality? Like I said I don’t know why our brains work the way they do, but here I am, feeling conflicted yet again.
Anyway in the grand scheme of things, being idle and being solo and being forced to look inward, think inward, and feel inward is one of the hardest things we as humans can do. We fear our own thoughts and our own vulnerabilities more than anything. Why’s that? Security stems from discomfort and challenges and adversity. All these hoops we have to jump through just to feel like ourselves. Sounds like a full-time job, but honestly it’s worth it if you can put your head down on the pillow at night and see the bigger picture. It’s all going to be worth it in the end.
Being alone on that Thursday night when the rest of the world is interacting, celebrating, letting loose isn’t the easiest pill to swallow, but somehow, someway this is all going to be worth it. Your loneliness, your discomfort, your internal battle is all for the greater good even if you can’t see it or comprehend it right now. Either way you’ve got this…and so do I.
2021 I’m ready for you.
xx,
Kay
